HUMOR

The stinky side of being a flight attendant

Where smelly colleagues are stored. Photo by the author

When I first became a flight attendant — cough, 24 years ago — nobody ever warned me about the amount of flatulence I’d be engulfed in on a regular basis. Even though trapped gas is such a common ailment associated with flying, this frequent farting phenomenon, known as HAFE — high-altitude flatus expulsion, — is still regarded as a revolting and offensive act. When on the plane for many hours, air gets trapped and accumulates in the stomach causing it to swell like a balloon. …


LOVE STORY

Yo, this story is dope, bruh

Photo by Anastase Maragos on Unsplash

The Montagues and the Capulets were these rich families from T-dot yo, but had beef with each other and whenever they’d link up, it’d be a bang out ting.

The mayor of T.O.— aka Prince— was cheesed and was like, “I’m vexxed, I’m finna go buck jus now. Whichever mans don’t nize it, are gonna get merked.”

Aight so, Mr. Capulet had this lit getty where this dude Paris was supposed to chop his daughter Juliet and marry her. Romeo Montague and his posse decided to crash da joint and ended up messin’ with da plans.

There were bare shorties…


I swear I’m Italian

Castel Sant’Angelo in Rome, Italy. Photo by author.

If you are a Gianni or a Giuseppina with dark hair and brown eyes, no one ever questions it when you tell them you’re Italian. I, on the other hand, have always gotten, “are you sure?”

I may not be your stereotypical looking Italian, but I can assure you that I can whip up a mean tiramisú while drinking a double espresso and communicating with mere gestures and proverbs.

Growing up in an Italian household in Toronto, I couldn’t understand a word of English when I first started kindergarten. …


there are always those who have to ruin things for others :(


RUNNING

Even if you have to pick up poop

Oliver — the best running partner — sporting his race medal. Photo by author.

If you enjoy running outdoors and appreciate having company but not necessarily making small talk, then a dog is a perfect companion. Not every breed is a suitable running partner, however, so make sure you consider what your dog can handle.

Puppies are too young and still developing so shouldn’t be taken on runs with you until they are about 1.5 years old.

Senior dogs are naturally not going to have the same stamina they used to — plus it can also be hard and painful on them.

Ideally, your dog should be obedient, athletic, strong, and have endurance. The…


LIFE

and how to attract humiliation

Author’s husband laughing at her expense. Photo by author.

I’m sure everyone has experienced some degree of embarrassment in their lives whether it be slightly awkward or want-to-crawl-into-a-hole-and-never-be-seen-again.

If you’re like me, and seem to have acquired the knack of attracting humiliation at your own expense, I’ve compiled a list of categories to see where you rank.

For those who simply enjoy chuckling at others, enjoy — but remember, karma also appreciates a good laugh.

1. What just happened? : an awkward situation in which few, if any, bear witness and you can leave fairly unscathed

Example #1:

(As my first example, I’m dishing on a colleague to make myself feel better.)

As flight attendants, checking into hotels is like second nature. However on this day, when my friend entered…


STRUGGLES

But did it again and again

Photo by Cassidy Rowell on Unsplash

Becoming a mother was never a question. I knew I wanted to have children — four in fact, but what I didn’t know was just how different my experience would be from what I had envisioned.

Approximately six months into my marriage, my husband and I thought we’d start trying to have children. Three months later and a bottle of champagne, I was pregnant. We were overjoyed! I couldn’t wait to experience that pregnancy glow and start baby shopping.

I expected to have morning sickness but what I wasn’t expecting was that it would last all day for the next…


HUMOR

But always carry a white flag just in case

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

It was cooler than usual for late summer with a slight overcast — a perfect day to get in a long practice run for my upcoming race. I felt invigorated, but also a bit peckish. I quickly devoured a slice of leftover pizza and washed it down with a cup of coffee before heading out the door. I felt extra pumped sporting my brand new cushioned, shock-absorbent, lightweight, overly-priced-but-so-worth-it shoes.

I was one with nature as I ran along the dirt trail leading to a quaint neighbourhood lake. With any luck I could even catch a glimpse of the notorious…


When your child has a chronic condition

Photo by MedicAlert UK on Unsplash

When you pictured yourself as a mother, you envisioned taking trips to the petting zoo and cleaning tiny hands before they made their way onto the PB and J sandwich you had thoughtfully provided. You envisioned mingling with the other parents at birthday parties while the children were laughing and quickly eating their slice of cake, anxious to get back to playing. …


LIFE

And those stares are from the ones you created

Little killers with their mother. Photo by the author.

Yesterday, in my text message to my daughter, I mentioned that her father and I were booked to donate blood next week, but then things took a turn. She wanted to confirm which blood types we both were and then asked if my husband would be willing to donate one of his kidneys. It sounded a little suspicious to us — is this a black-market thing she’s now into?

We love our children and want to trust that they would never want to harm me or my husband, but there was the time my son came home from school with…

Barbara Borzi

My family thinks I’m weird — aka cool, my friend(s) think I’m funny, and my dog adores me - nuff said.

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